I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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