My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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