It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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