Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
