I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize