bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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