Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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