even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
