I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
