he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
