I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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