Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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