i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
