after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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