this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
