i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
