I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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