she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize