so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
