Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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