That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
