We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
