I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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