the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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