I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
