oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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