I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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