Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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