Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
