I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He felt like a one man threesome
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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