you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
