so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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