I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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