I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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