96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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