How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
