I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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