I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize