I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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