Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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