She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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