dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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