i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
