Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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