Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
