I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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