I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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