and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
