I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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