Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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