Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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