U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
