hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
