the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
