Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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